Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
