When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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