Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
