Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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