im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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