Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
