Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
