god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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