Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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