i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize