Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
