Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
FUCK WHALES
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
