Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm at about main and main street
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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