You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
