is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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