It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
