can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
