:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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