I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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