I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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