First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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