oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
