i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize