I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
They have beer where we have blood.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
