So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
