I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
