He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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