until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
