I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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