Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Randomize
