Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
