your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
