i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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