I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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