Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Vodka?
Forever.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
