I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
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