Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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