I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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