Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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