I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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