i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
