i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
