I think I won the penis lottery.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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