omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
