google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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