you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
