U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
