Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
