like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
