Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
