I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
