She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
