I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
