apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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