WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I didn't notice because vodka
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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