I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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