I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
