Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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