i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
