Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
