I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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