this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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