are you still at the devil's house?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
