i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
