I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
