The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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