Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
