Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
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