Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
