You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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