like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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