Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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